Listen to, hear and honor exactly what she is asking you for. Give exactly that – if you are able. If you are not able to give exactly that, then decline; but don’t tell her why what you want to offer her is actually better.
Listen to the foods she tells you she literally maybe only just might be able to possibly keep down without gagging and retching and throwing up for the 25th time in the last four days, after losing 10 pounds in 72 hours, and after feeling like she was actually dying during an entire Sunday. Give her specifically those foods if you are able. If you are not able, decline and bring nothing – but don’t tell her what you think she should be eating instead, or why she should be eating what you think she should be eating instead, or that you will bring her what you think she needs to eat, instead of what she’s asked you for.
If you are able and willing, answer her request for help on the timelines she’s requested. If your usually very strong and independent friend has finally gotten to the extremely embarrassing and humbling point of requesting your help, then know that she really does actually need some help. Right now. If you are not able to offer your help, then just decline; but don’t tell her why your timeline is better or why what you want to do for her is better than what she’s asked.
Respect your friend by honoring her cancer treatment plans – details that she has already studied in depth, researched and re-researched again for hours with her MD, her Oncologist, her Surgeons… that she’s agonized over and prayed over with her closest loved ones. If you have other ideas for your friend’s treatment plans, do this: keep your mouth firmly closed; don’t offer up your own treatment options, your “miracle cures, diets, lifestyle changes, vitamins, infusion cocktails, Mexican clinics” or any other alternative options that worked for (whomever you may know) unless you (1) either have an advanced medical degree, or (2) (and this is really, really important) unless your friend has specifically asked you for your personal opinion regarding her cancer treatment plans.
Honor your friend’s need to openly weep, to feel absolutely wretched and weak and hopeless with the shock of it all, to truly and wholly grieve, to feel deathly ill (especially after chemotherapy), and to even absolutely despair for a bit. She will eventually become stronger and braver, just please give her some time and some space and some hugs. If you aren’t able to support your friend by letting her express her actual REAL feelings and you’re expecting her to put on her happy face when you are around, then do this – either stay away, or keep your mouth firmly closed; don’t tell her how you think she should be feeling (stay positive! upbeat! keep that fighting spirit! tough warrior! stay strong! kick ass!). Especially don’t tell her that you know precisely how she feels, precisely what she’s going through, precisely how you think she should be feeling, or – and this is critical if you want to stay in her life – don’t tell her how disappointed you are with her emotional state of being, with her momentary lapses in faith or with her feelings of being absolutely, utterly alone (alone even when others are around). Just let your friend FEEL her damn feelings… with your respectful silence if that’s all you have to offer at the moment, and without judgment.
Latest Posts
Drink the Lovely Coffee
Sunday morning thoughts… It’s been a emotional last few days and I find myself tearing up over and over just thinking about a friend’s premature death. My friend had so much to live for, and she really, really wanted to live. And I don’t understand this wholly, but I’m simultaneously feeling strangely guilty that I’m…
Celebrate with me!
Here’s a glimpse into the last two years of my life – After winning the metastatic cancer lottery, I have spent the last 24 months existing from scan to scan in three-month chunks.
The Living Church of the Socially Distanced
Fear is unholy. Fear is a liar. Fear is a belief in a horrible something that hasn’t even happened. We give in to fear –take over our thoughts and rob us of our Hope. The opposite of fear is Hope. And the reminder of Hope is the best gift I can leave my son. If…
I’m Still Here
I am a researcher; I know the statistics. There is currently no cure for stage 4 cancer. One minute ago, I had a 5-year survival rate of 72% and now I have a 5-year survival rate of 22%. And, the median survival rate of a woman with stage 4 breast cancer is only 3 years.…
Something went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.
Life In Introspection 