Today was the first of the next four Taxol chemotherapy sessions I will have over the next eight weeks. The first four A/C chemotherapy sessions have been emotionally, physically and spiritually grueling. Three weeks ago after my third A/C, I contracted severe illness and complications including toxic granulation, anisocytosis, macrocytosis, stomatocytes and polychromasia. I had to look each of these up when I got my labs last Thursday, which helped me to understand why I have been weaker than I’ve ever been in my life, constantly short of breath, dizzy, with massive headaches, rashes that have yet to dissipate, exhaustion, nausea a week after chemo, severe fluid retention, rapid heartbeat, and feeling like I would black out when I stood up. Some days I felt so miserable, I thought about stopping the cancer treatment altogether and I wondered if I were going to die.   Although these last two years of my life have been significantly difficult for other reasons, nothing has compared with the experience of being diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastasized Breast Cancer the week of my 52 birthday.

In the past 24 months, I have been struggling to understand the reasons God allows human suffering.  These past three months since my diagnosis, it has especially been weighing heavily on my heart. During the course of my adult life I have studied the teachings of various prosperity gospel ministers (name it and claim it), how to harness the power of the Universe (visualize and manifest your dreams) (the Universe has your back), vision boards, the power of intention. and other similar religious or spiritual philosophies. I have tried them all and they have all failed me. My experiences over these past 24 months, and especially since my cancer diagnosis led me to seek out God’s purpose for allowing suffering, what I personally can learn from it, and most of all, peace.

I have wondered and worried: Is it my fault? Am I being punished? Did I not claim the right scriptures for prosperity and health? Did I not visualize my dreams hard enough to manifest them? Did I not go with the river flow instead of swimming of against it? Is my faith not strong enough to have my prayers answered? If I die from this cancer at a relatively young age, is it because I didn’t believe enough, or pray hard enough or pray in the right way? Does God really love me? Is God even hearing me when there is already so much suffering in this world? Why does God allow human suffering? Am I even a good person?

Because of these questions and my worries and doubts, I slowly returned wholeheartedly to the Mass, to the doctrine of my Catholic faith (despite my anger and grief regarding the moral crisis of child molestation by our priests, and cover up all these years by our Bishops and Popes). I read and re-read the exact words of Jesus in the Gospels, seeking peace. Reading the gospels and studying the lives of people such as Mother Theresa has led me to this: The most important thing in this world for me to do before I die is to love my neighbor. All of my neighbors (all sexes and sexual orientations, all races, colors, religions, nationalities, all children, all of the elderly, the poor, hungry and sick, the disenfranchised, the lonely, the immigrants and refugees – everyone).

I also have come to realize that my suffering is just a drop in the bucket of the suffering of humanity, and the lessons I have learned along the way, and continue to learn during this cancer journey and beyond, will help me to increase my compassion for others and to love people even more. To continue to do this, I return to gratitude daily, to acknowledge and remember the blessings I already have in my life.

I have much to be grateful for: 

I am grateful to you, my Patrick, for taking care of me since my diagnosis with incredible compassion, love, kindness and diligence. For giving up your personal time, and the time that could be spent with friends having fun, just to take care of me, especially when I am reeling from the chemo, am sick and exhausted, too weak to cook or shop or go to work, or even go downstairs. For leaving on your phone all night so I can call you right away if I need something. For loving me and hugging me daily, even when I cry or complain. For sitting and listening to me in my grief without judgment. For making me laugh each day. For singing to me in Stitch. For praying for me and with me. For showing me the good man you are right now, and the kind of husband and father you will be. For volunteering to stay with me until I am healthy again and assuring me, without me even asking, that you won’t leave me until I am; and for supporting us financially as a new, young engineer, when you could be living your young adult life, traveling and having fun. Every day of your life I have prayed that you would be a man after God’s own heart. You are.

I am blessed to have a Momma who calls me daily to make sure I am okay, to pray for me and with me, to ask what she can do for me, to comfort me and love me. She is both my mother and my friend and I always know that she is there for me whenever I need her. She cried with me at my diagnosis, and she came to Houston for the most important appointments even though she was ill and had to sleep in uncomfortable arrangements. She has promised to come again and stay here for my surgery even though it will be difficult for her. She encourages me and uplifts me daily, she supports me in every way she can. My Momma strives to  give me things to look forward to this year, such as planing the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, and Hallmark Christmas Movie marathons and Saturday night PBS mysteries with her. Even though she is going through personal struggles of her own, I know she will drop everything and do anything for me at the drop of a hat, and I know that she loves me unconditionally. She always has the perfect scripture when I am losing hope. She is my earthly rock.

Felicia, there are not enough thank yous that I can ever say. I have such gratitude for our friendship. You have become my family. I am so grateful for you for taking so many hours away from your children and picking me up and going to so many chemotherapy sessions with me. For going to all the labs, the oncology appointments and the chemo sessions, and for spending 3-4 hours there every other week. For going to all my liver appointments, including the 12+hour ones.  For spending a part of every other week with me, and at times, consecutive days and weeks. For asking the hard questions to my MDs, for remembering my current prescriptions when I can’t, for asking the questions I forget to ask, for remembering all the instructions for the appointments, for getting the ice and refilling the ice and helping me when I am nauseous from the ice, for checking up on my prescriptions and shots and the lidocaine I forgot.  For always holding my hand during the port injections, for rubbing my arm or leg when you can see I am scared or in pain or about to cry. For sitting with me in grief and for laughing with me in joy, and for entertaining me with normal conversion to get my mind off the present. For making sure I am never left alone in the hospital rooms unnecessarily, and for being my advocate, so much so that all the staff know your name and you are listed as family in my medical charts. For never leaving my side.

Rebecca, you are my prayer partner and my confidant. You are my family. I know I have your unconditional love and your loyalty and I know that you will be here any time I need you. Our calls keep me grounded and also help me to dream for the future. You sit with me in my grief and you lift me up  in joy with laughter. Your integrity and ethics are what first drew me to you, and your compassion and love for others, especially the patients we serve, are why I love you. There is nothing I can’t talk about with you, and I am eternally grateful for you, my sweet friend.

To my dear friend Dana, who has been subletting my office out of shear kindness and not out of necessity ever since you first heard of my diagnosis, you are a gift from God. I didn’t even ask you; you offered. Tremendous stress was immediately lifted from me and this has been one less huge thing to worry about. I will never know how to properly thank you, but please know that I will always be grateful for your compassion and kindness. Thank you, thank you.

To my many friends and family members who have messaged me, emailed me, called me, texted me, sent me beautiful or funny cards with sweet notes and little gifts, driven across Houston to bring me home cooked meals and special treats, and blankets, and encouraging books and scarfs and your love over these last three months, thank you. For the friend who sent me prayer shawls and has her ladies group send me a card weekly just to let me know they are all praying for me, thank you. I feel loved every time I receive a signed card from these praying women whom I have never even met. To those who sent me flowers because you know I love them, thank you. For the two friends who first took their days and went to chemo with me, thank you. For the friend who flew out to help, thank you. To the sweet friend, who dropped everything one afternoon, despite going through a very difficult situation herself, to drive to The Woodlands to pick up my mother and bring her to me, thank you. My mother would not have been with me otherwise when I received the news about my liver. To my sister, Jennifer, I am glad we are growing closer and I am thankful for your kindness and your love.

My thoughts on suffering: The entire world is suffering, tremendously. Our own country is bitterly divided and there is more hate and animosity between various factions than I ever remember in my lifetime. Hate, greed, racism, race and class elitism, disdain for those in poverty or hunger, lack of compassion for those without access to healthcare or limitations in their healthcare, for children put in cages and families separated. Famine in Nigeria, South Sudan, Somalia, and Yemen and war refugees from Syria, Afghanistan, South Sudan, Myanmar, Somalia and Yemen. Migrants and asylum seekers from Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador, fleeing massive poverty, gangs and crime. Venezuela’s financial crisis has led to the nation’s suffering and exodus of asylum seekers. Devastating earthquakes and typhoons kill thousands and leave thousands more homeless, hungry and suffering. Ordinary Americans cannot afford to eat, purchase prescriptions, live on their social security or pay their rents. Flint, Michigan’s water crisis, the hurricane aftermath in Puerto Rico, and victims from Florence and Michael are still suffering. World-wide religious persecution and women’s persecution. Torture, rape and executions occurring in many parts of the world. Mass shootings on American soil, even in our schools. Modern day slavery, including in America.

I personally see the  homeless and hungry on a daily basis in Houston, everywhere I go. I listen to stories of hardships endured, from my students who have come to Houston from other countries, as well as their current sufferings, fears and triumphs here in their adopted country. I see how hard they work, both in school and after school, giving all their earned money to support their families, while still attending classes and working so diligently to learn; and later the same day I see friends’ posts filled with pure hatred towards these brown children from Mexico, Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador, and their posts break my heart. If only they could know that my students want nothing more than to graduate, get jobs and to live a better life.

There is so much suffering everywhere, and I wonder why this can’t be changed, why this never seems to change. As I focus on all of this world-wide suffering, my own personal suffering seems to pale in comparison, and my compassion and love grow for my fellow human beings. I have so many blessings that I often take for granted, blessing that others are desperately praying for.

Jesus told us that loving our neighbors is our second most important obligation in our earthly life, only second to loving God. Although I often fail, daily, in attempting to show perfect love and compassion to others, it is my greatest hope that l will continue to wake up each morning to try again, because nothing else really matters. If I can do this, in submission and dependence upon the Father’s will, I will fulfill my purpose in life.

On Suffering:

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Romans 5:3-4  "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

James 1: 2-4  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

On loving thy neighbor: “And these three remain. Hope, Faith, and Love. And the greatest of these is love.”

Matthew 25:34-36
Then the king will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’

John 3:17-18
"But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

Matthew 25:40
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

Peace,  Julie