2019 is starting off to be a blessed and joyous year! My heart is filled with thanksgiving and joy.

2018 was a tough year. Really, really tough. The shocking and devastating stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis, and then going through arduous chemotherapy sessions and the aftermath are the most difficult struggles I have experienced in my life.

Facing mortality is not for sissys; and hanging on to hope and faith is challenging when one is suffering and filled with fear. At times I have envied the confident faith of others as I wrestled with mine.

In the fall of 2018 some days I truly suffered; and some days I became paralyzed with fear and grief. Watching my son worry when I was sick and weak broke my heart. But on other days, when I consciously chose to live in the moment, and in a deliberate and intentional way appreciate that specific day of my life, I experienced peace and happiness.

Several times I questioned why; I questioned God; I grieved. But each time my faith was renewed and my hope restored through actively looking for answered prayers and blessings, and finding anyone and anything to be grateful for. And when I looked, I found many answered prayers, numerous  people and countless things for which to be grateful.

After finishing chemotherapy December 6, I ended the last day of 2018 with a PET scan to determine how the had cancer responded. Trying to sleep the night before was impossible because fear and panic filled my mind no matter how much I tried to ignore them. What if the chemo didn’t work? What if my oncologist orders more chemotherapy? What if?

Unexpectedly, I received the PET scan results this morning; it constantly amazes me how life can change in an instant.

Comments from the Doctor’s Office:  “Julie, PET scan shows resolution of all your cancer. This goes along with the clinical response you have had on exam. Does not mean that all cancer cells are dead but this is excellent news.”

Thank you God for my oncologist and the Oncology team! Thank you God for answered prayers!

Today my wise friend said to me “When God chooses to heal us physically we should seek to understand why, just as we try to understand suffering.” I think this is profound advice in so many ways. This journey constantly challenges me, as it daily changes me forever.  My beliefs about my life’s purpose and my understanding about relationships  (those people I know and those I will never know) are forever changed too.  I am now thankful for every day I am given and for more time with loved ones. I am especially appreciative for the days I feel good, and will never carelessly take my health for granted again. Mostly, I am incredibly grateful for the astounding love others have shown me these last few months. The best thing about the worst time of my life is that I continually get to see love demonstrated from people I would never have expected.  Sometimes I have been overwhelmed with their kindness and generosity.

Suffering has taught me how to better empathize with the plights of others, including people I will never meet. It’s led me to feel deep compassion for the suffering of the world and all its humanity; and above all (though I fail miserably at times) suffering has illuminated how my primary purpose in this life is to love others. These are only a few of the gifts from this journey.

Tomorrow I will learn my oncologist’s plan of care moving forward. We will discuss surgery, radiation, hormone therapy, aromatase inhibitors, etc. The experts say that stage 4 breast cancer doesn’t have a cure at this point, but some women who receive ongoing treatment are living for 15 – 20 years or more, with no evidence of disease. I hope and pray to be one of them.

But today I celebrate!

Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;
make known among the nations what he has done.
Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
Psalm 105:1-3